"That's me in the spotlight, losing my religion"

Religion


I know it's really hard to believe but I used to be a complete and total prude. Yes, yes, I will let the news sink in for a while. I was this goody two-shoes who thought smoking was the most disgusting thing to do, that drinking was the dumbest thing you could do, and don't even get me STARTED on how I felt abut sex. I followed the rules as best as I could and would cry for HOURS if I ever got in trouble with a teacher. I was just that kid. People would break rules and just shrug it off and say, "I AIN'T EVEN MAD! I AIN'T BOVVERED!" whereas I would over-analyze everything and think of ways to kiss ass to the teacher so they wouldn't be mad at me anymore.

I'm rambling.

Anyway, I grew up in a semi-religious family. I'm not talking fire and brimstone religious, but my mom grew up Catholic and went to church regularly. My dad grew up Protestant and did the same thing. From the time I was about 7 years old until the time I was about 14 I would go to church regularly. I attended Sunday school and I was pretty much "that kid". I paid close attention to what my Sunday school teachers would say. I'd read along in our kids Bible until I knew everything forwards and backwards. Every time a teacher asked me a question I knew the answer right away.

I had my confirmation at 14. A couple years after, the church we regularly attended was starting to fall apart. People were turning against our Pastor because they didn't like her. My parents personally loved her. There was a meeting we had to attend about her and it ended up being a full out bash fest. My parents decided to leave once they found out they fired her via voice mail while she was on vacation.

My parents tried finding a church with a good youth group since the one at our old church was seriously lacking. It took a couple years to find one, but we did. At that point, I wondered why even bothering trying to fit in with the youth group. I was a senior in high school and these people basically grew up together. I was already shy and awkward and didn't really fit in that well. But the pastor at our church LOVED me and I him. He just had one of those faces where when you talked to him about anything, you could SEE him listening. He was great.

But I was slowly starting to lose my faith. I don't know if it was just because we were out of a church for so long, or if I was just bitter. I was going through so much in that time. My mom always told me that God had a plan.  So, he planned for me to get bullied all throughout school? He planned to put a hideous tumor on my face?  He planned for me to be the happiest I'd ever been with my first boyfriend only to take that away? He put me in an abusive relationship? This is his plan for me? Why does He hate me so much then?

The more my mom said that he had a plan, the more I hated Him. Well, no, not hated. But I grew a disdain for Him.

Furthermore, it pissed me off when I went to that private school. Every time I passed a test, passed a project, and even when I "graduated" the 8th grade, my teachers would give all the credit to God. "God made you pass your test!"  "God made your project good!"  "God made you graduate!"

Really? Did God whisper me the answers to my test? No. I studied all night long. Did God help me glue shit to a tri-board? Nope. That was me. Did God make me graduate? No, my hard work and dedication made me graduate. I was increasingly getting annoyed. God was stealing my thunder! (So to speak.)

There is so much hate in this world. You've got the Westboro Baptist Church who protest funerals and other things in the name of God. I know that these people are nuts, but people buy into it. People hate on the LGBTQ community and cite the Bible as the reason. I have a statement for you: The Bible has been edited so many times by various people.

When this country was formed, there was a separation between church and state and now those lines are becoming blurred. There are people in our government that are making their decisions based on their own religious beliefs. Politicians, especially those running for President, use their beliefs as a way to get into primaries.

I'll let you in on a secret, though. While I do consider myself an agnostic (borderline atheist), I kind of wish I had my religion back. I don't really know why. I can respect the "normal" religious people out there; just as long as they don't shove their opinions down my throat, I can be open-minded to their views and hope they can do the same with me. But I've always liked the idea of having something or someone to believe in. I still pray sometimes. I just don't know what or whom I'm praying to. I do believe in Heaven, though. What I'm not sure of, is why. I don't know if it's because I truly believe that is God's kingdom or if it just a way for me to hope that there is life beyond death and that I can be reunited with my long deceased relatives.

I'm not one of those agnostics/atheists  that can't tolerate being friends with a religious person. I AM friends with people that regularly attend church and are one with God. That is totally and completely fine. Ignorance goes both ways. Christians can be ignorant towards atheists, and atheists can be just as ignorant towards Christians. As long as you can tolerate my beliefs, I will tolerate yours.

I don't know what life has in store for me. I don't know if I'm going to end up believing again. Maybe someday. Christian, atheist, agnostic, polygamist, we should all love each other and be kind to one another. That is what the God I grew up with taught us.

With Love,
Liv

Song in title: "Losing my Religion" - R.E.M.