"If you ever, ever feel like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me."

Abusive Relationships/Edik


This story is no easy story to tell, and it's not exactly the most pleasant. Be careful when reading this. It is a disturbing story and one that takes me a lot of cajones to write. It's very graphic, with lots of swearing and evil names being used. You have been warned.

I met Edik through my roommate in college, my freshman year. She had met this guy on Facebook that was going to hook us up to all the parties (Meanwhile, I'm thinking, greeeeeeat. Since I was a totally different girl then than I am now).

Our first night as roommates, we went down to this dude's dorm. We were going to some frat party but we were waiting for his roommate to show up. When he did, I kind of smacked my roommate which was my way of going, "GIIIIIIIIIIIRL." This average height, muscular, Patrick Swayze look-a-like walks in the room. I had stars in my eyes. But then the sod actually opened up his mouth. Automatically I was put off so I was a little "meh"about him.

We go to this party. Guys, this is my first party ever so you can only imagine how overwhelmed I felt when we stepped through those fraternity doors. I was walking with this dude's roommate. Automatically, I distance myself from everyone. He joins me and I tell him it's my first party. He spends the majority of the party taking care of me and making sure I'm not getting hit on.

Guys, I'm really bored at this party, okay? The music sucked, the beer sucked (curse you, Natty Light!), and I was surrounded by testosterone, wanting to get laid. I wanted to go back to my dorm and read. I soon got my wish. My roommate tugged me off the couch and said we had to go. That guy that we were with was quite publicly drunk and making an ass out of himself so we had to go. I couldn't find the roommate to thank him for taking care of me so I just left.

A few weeks later, I found him on Facebook and sent him a message thanking him for helping me out. We ended up spending the entire day chatting on AIM. He invited me to another party. I was a little unsure but I decided to live a little and go.

I should have realized he was shady when I saw 2 other girls with him. I would learn a week later that he was trying to decide between the three of us but he decided to "choose" me because I was the most aggressive out of the 3 of them. Thanks, asshole.

So we go to this dumb party. They had beer pong set up so we decided to play. We won, highfived, then kissed. All in that order. Then there was more kissing. Then we watched movies in my dorm room. Yes, we actually watched the movies. He wanted to stay the night but I turned him down. Oh, by the way, in case you're wondering, my roommate was in Akron for the weekend visiting her friend.

The next morning we had lunch and an hour after that we were in a relationship. Just like that. It was a piss poor decision but part of me still wasn't over my first relationship. I was lonely.

It started off really great. Don't they all? He was supersweet and always made me feel good about myself. I should have realized something was wrong when he came between my roommate and I. My roommate still felt like something wasn't quite right and she did not want to be around when he was. We got into a huge fight and I ended up moving into another dorm room.

The abuse started off as verbal, a few months after we started dating. He started calling me a cunt, a bitch, worthless, etc. We would fight often. He would never let me go anywhere alone. At one point, he would go to class with me. Yes, class. He didn't take my theatre major seriously and he'd either wait outside or he'd get me to ask the professors if he could watch in on a lesson.

I was totally and completely clueless but I didn't want him to let him go. He could say and do these awful things, but then he'd be so charming. It was ridiculous.

There was one other thing: He was addicted to going to parties. Every Thursday and Saturday was some new party. He wanted to drag me along to go to them but I grew tired of the party scene. Did he care? No. I'd go to these parties and then skip classes. Pretty soon, I wound up on Academic Probation. We'd fight all the time and I was increasingly stressed with my schoolwork because I knew I had to pull through this.

Fall semester ended. I went home for a couple months. I believe I saw him once. It was perfect and we barely fought. I figure things would change for the better and that it was just a phase.

Spring semester began. This is when I suddenly realized, "Oh...shit." I took a sociology class and befriended 3 people there. 2 girls and a boy. It didn't take me long to develop a crush on the boy. Crushes are harmless, right? But I kept my mouth shut. If Edik ever found out that I had a crush on someone else...I don't even want to think about what would happen. The four of us (Edik not included until later) would sometimes grab lunch or coffee, go over notes, and talk. The more I hung around with this other guy the more I liked him. I think the group already knew that something was wrong. They said nothing because I kept convincing them I was fine. They didn't intervene though. Looking back on it now, I kind of wish they had.

Soon we were having lunches and coffee dates together quite often and Edik grew suspicious. He started attending these get togethers with me. He was very possessive and obviously threatened by the guy in the group I liked. Even though I knew I would never do anything like that, he didn't know that and obviously didn't trust me.

Okay. So this is where it gets disturbing and if any family members are reading this, stop (that probably didn't work, did it?).

Edik was obsessed with sex. He was obsessed with wanting to be one I lose my virginity to. I was in no position to have sex. I was stressed with school and I was gaining weight and losing all my ambition and drive. He'd keep pestering me about it, though. I'd keep telling him I don't think I'm ready. He was fine with that for a while, but he was getting impatient. I mean we were dating in September! It was February and we weren't having sex yet! That is YEARS to guys like him.

He just kept badgering me and he wouldn't stop. I'd hold my ground.

One night I woke up in the middle of the night. He was on top of me, and his hands were on the waistline of my pajama pants. I asked him what he was doing. He realized that he was caught. He jumped off of me and went back to sleep. The next morning, I asked what was going on, and he said he just had a dream about me and that was all.

Scary stuff, isn't it? What's scarier is that I believed him and continued to be with him. The rest of the year went by and then it was summer. Our fights were getting worse and worse. Since we couldn't be together always, we had to be on the phone. All day. And during most of those conversations we'd fight. We'd fight when I visited him or he'd visit me.

August came and I started my sophomore year. I was determined to get myself out of the academic mess I let myself get into. Edik was in rare form.

The physical abuse started in September. We got into a fight about my family. Edik was always criticizing my parents' parenting, and the fact that they were always struggling financially. This was what we fought about. He just kept ragging on them and I wanted him to stop. He wouldn't. He blocked the door so that I couldn't leave my own room. I didn't know what else to do and I felt trapped as he kept trash talking them all while keeping me hostage in my own room. So...I smacked him. He reacted instantaneously. He took a fistful of my hair, and yanked me to the floor with it.

"DON'T YOU EVER TOUCH ME LIKE THAT AGAIN, YOU FUCKING CUNT. YOU HEAR ME?"

The door knocked. He grabbed me by the arm picked me up, and fixed my hair, suddenly sweet again. I answered the door. It was the RA. She wanted to know if everything was okay. I forced a smile and said it was, but she saw right through me. She ended up calling the police. While we were waiting, Edik looked at me and said, "You're going to take the blame for this otherwise I'll fuck you up even worse." I just nodded my head. When the police officers came, we told our stories. They were impressed at how I willingly admitted everything was my fault and decided not to proceed any further. They suggested that we spend some time apart.

The sad part was, I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know how to not be around him. So did I listen to them? Nope. I went back to him and he hugged me tight to him and told me he'd never do that to me again.

He did much worse. I'm not going to sit here and say I was completely innocent in this. I provoked him a lot. I would hit him or scratch at him too. But most of those times it was in self-defense. He would bite, hit, smack, pull at my hair, and kick. Even forced me on his bed and held me by the neck with his foot. I didn't know how to get out of this, but I knew that I had to soon.

I befriended a bunch of freshmen in my dorm. They were great girls and I don't know where I'd be without them. They weren't that fond of Edik at all because they were smart. They knew I was smart too which is why they thought I was awesome. We hung out a lot and Edik suddenly was not amused with the fact that I was gaining more confidence. I liked myself a lot more when I wasn't around him.

Our 1 year anniversary happened in September. I bought us Russian promise rings because he was adopted from Russia. We ended up getting into a fight that day.

He never went to class because he felt like since he went to Kent for free (his dad used to work there), he could goof off and fuck up as much as possible. He soon became involved with an interactive web site called IMVU. It's basically the poor person's Second Life. He got involved with the web site and skipped class, finals included. He'd be up all night playing. I was concerned with him not going to class but he'd just get pissed and call me another name or something. Anyway, on our one year we got into a fight. I left the room to take a nap. When I woke up I was over it, so I went to go wrap my arms around him. He was on the computer, on IMVU, and was asking some girl for nude pictures, then explained about our fight. I was furious and stormed out. He came after me and apologized.

I stayed with him 2 months after that. The turning point in our relationship was when we went out to blockbuster to return a movie. It was cold, and rainy. I didn't even want to go. I was sick and I just wanted to rest so I could be up for class. But he made me go by myself initially. I was upset but I left. He ended up trailing after me and we got into a fight. He got so upset with me that he came at me and put his hands around my neck. He began squeezing. That was it. I was going to die in a Blockbuster parking lot. I suddenly mustered a bunch of strength and kicked him in the balls before running off. I stayed with my friends that night.

 He ended up dropping out of the semester. I finally had breathing room. I was able to go out with my friends and not feel worried about having to watch what I say or do. He would still call me when I would be studying for finals. We'd argue, fight, only I had the strength to hang up on him.

I wasn't able to get myself out of academic probation but I raised my GPA a significant amount. I still felt good about it, and went home.

Let me stay that I tried to break up with him a bunch of times. But he'd say that it wasn't over until HE said it was over. He'd still call my home. I knew something had to be done. I ended up breaking up with him 3 days before Christmas over the phone. He screamed at me for hours then demanded to talk to my mom. My mom, being the wonderful person she is, endured Edik blaming this all on her. About how she tainted my view on him. He screamed himself hoarse and then asked to speak to me again. My mom gave me the phone. He was crying, but I didn't care at this point. I ended it once and for all.

Shortly after that, we discussed our options. I decided to leave Kent. I didn't feel comfortable being there by myself without any protection whatsoever. I didn't press charges because I just wanted everything to be done. He didn't. He ended up getting a hold of me and asking if I could go to his place and discuss this. Guess what? His place is 2 hours away. I could just see him crashing his car with me in it. I said no. My decision was final. And that was that.

I am so sorry for how long-winded this story was. Let me tell you something, girls and yes, boys. Don't feel like you're weak because you can't get out of an abusive relationship. Don't be ashamed that you were a statistic. While people may feel it's your fault that  you didn't get out of it sooner, it is not your fault. It's so easy for an outsider to look at someone being so obviously mistreated and ask themselves how they can put up with that. I've lived it, I've felt it. For me, it was my overwhelming fear of being alone. It's a different story for everyone. And you really DO feel like it will get better. That the bruises will stop forming, that the name-calling will stop, and you can just be a happy couple. It's the fact that you WANT to believe it'll end that keeps you from leaving them. Stay strong. If you are being abused, go get help. talk to someone. I kept this bottled up for a long time. Talk to someone you feel won't judge you. Just take care of yourself.

With Love,
Liv

Song in title: "Fucking Perfect" - Pink