"Couldn't take the blame, sick with shame. Must be exhausting to lose your own game."

Mid-November is always a really weird month for me. I'm more...on edge this month than usual. 

Most of the people reading this are aware of the hell on Earth that I had to endure when I was in my relationship in college. The man boy that I was seeing put me through 15 months of physical, emotional and verbal torture. It ended in November when he tried to kill me. 

I apologize if anyone reading this did not know about me. It happened 5 years ago and for the most part I am over it. If anyone has any questions I am absolutely willing to answer any of them you may have. It took a long time for me to finally come to terms with everything. I never saw a therapist about it. I never really discussed it much with anyone. My parents never wanted me to tell any family members or friends. They felt it was none of their business and didn't want to cause any emotional stress. 

I was having pizza at my grandmother's yesterday when I mentioned something about having nightmares. My mom rolled her eyes and said,

"Yeah, because of all the zombie shows you watch!" 

I shook my head. I hadn't had a zombie nightmare in a long time. For the past 5 years I have had night terrors with my ex involved. I told her that's what it was. I could tell she wanted to talk more about it, but my grandmother was in the room and didn't want to upset her. Perfectly understood. 

This morning, she talked to me about having PTSD, or at least a mild case of it. I definitely agree I do. So I guess the next step is finding a self-help book or doing something that will cause me to get over it. My mom also told me that she was worried that I felt like she and my dad didn't do enough to help me. Hearing her say this broke my heart, because I thought the exact opposite. 

My family always had a notion that something was not right in our relationship. His teasing me was relentless. Now, I live with a family where we bust each others' balls (metaphorically, of course) all the time.  I can take a couple hits (also metaphorical. -_-). But with him, it was different. He would keep going, to the point where it made my parents uncomfortable. They had every right to feel that way. It was MUCH worse when I was at Kent. Imagine being with a guy who followed you EVERYWHERE. I was a theatre major back then and he didn't take it seriously. He'd follow me to class. He'd try to "sit in" my classes to keep an eye out for me. He'd follow me to Women's Chorus. He'd go to work with me and spend my entire shift at the music library. He was in my dorm at all times. He was a controlling, manipulative bastard and he scared the crap out of me. But I was too afraid to admit it. I was too afraid to admit that I had put myself into this situation. I was ashamed of myself. I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I could have the power to walk away. And don't get me wrong, I tried. The amount of times I tried to break up with him are uncountable. But he'd always tell me it wasn't over until he said it was over. And I would feebly say "Okay". 

Until I finally had enough. That rainy night in November will never leave my memories. It was frightening and empowering at the same time. This was when I knew that if I continued to stay with him, it would not be good. 

After I broke up with him over the phone (it was the only way I could do it) he bitched my mom out over the phone, telling her this was all her fault, etc. It was awful. But I knew I did the right thing. Leaving Kent was hard, but I knew that was the right thing to do as well. I needed to be kept safe and Kent was no longer safe for me. 

But now, I need the night terrors to stop. I'm dating someone so wonderful right now, who has stuck by me for over a year of this. It's not every night, but it happens a few times a month. But I'm tired of the nightmares. I'm tired of living in the fear that he may come back, or he'll try to contact me again over Facebook. I just can't deal with it anymore. 

So now I start a new adventure. I am going off to find my peace. To put the night terrors to rest. To tell myself that this is over with and I can officially move on. 

But I leave this blog with some advice: 

If you are in a horrible relationship, please, speak up. I have been in your situation and I know it's hard to leave, but go to someone you trust. If you don't want to talk to a family member, then talk to a friend. Talk to SOMEBODY. One of the biggest things in life I regret is not admitting to myself that I was in an abusive relationship. I feel like if I was able to admit it to myself, I could have gotten out of it a hell of a lot sooner. 

With Love, 

Liv

Song in title: "Call Me When You're Sober" - Evanescence

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I felt like this mini homage to the David Bowie song was fitting, as a huge part of my life has changed.

I now have a new job. Well, it's semi-new as I have been working there for a month now. Getting this job was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I was miserable at Target. It was really difficult transferring back to my older store. I made great friends there and it was great to have the job security, but the Target in Columbus literally became my home. When I lived in Columbus, I didn't feel like I was welcome in my own apartment after all that shit went down. It was a place to sleep, and a place to eat. But it wasn't home. Yet every time I walked through the doors of 1058, a sense of peace and familiarity went through me. I was at home when I was at this place. It took a while for me to adjust, but I did. These people became my real family. We hung out when I got sad, they came to my birthday party, and always invited me whenever there was a night out. I actually felt more welcome by THEM than by my actual roommate. How messed up IS that?

Of course, I moved back. I didn't want to return to my original store, for a couple reasons: 1) I wanted to find something full-time and something that highlighted my computer and office skills. 2) I was miserable there before I moved. I didn't want to be that miserable again.

But, a couple of team members that still worked there told me that the place was changing for the better. I wasn't finding any office work and my bank account was nearing the single digits so I swallowed my pride and went back.

It was nice to see familiar faces but also nice to see new people too. People whom I became friends with. And for the first couple of weeks, I could see that the place was changing for the better.

That changed. I came to the realization that while this store had new management and a better grasp on things, that there were still the same problems. I got tired of being told to "hurry up" if we were short staffed. I got tired of being told "Just because you're the operator doesn't mean you don't do reshop or help anywhere else". I got tired of running across the store to answer call buttons, go up for back up, etc only to be reamed by the Team Lead or LOD that I wasn't finishing my work.

It only took a couple of months but I was unhappy again. I would dread coming to work and I HATED that. I missed the feeling of relief and happiness that I got at 1058 when I walked through those doors. The job was minimum wage, but I actually loved doing my job.

But, I soldiered on. What else can you do?

I got more familiar with the bus lines. I didn't want my lack of license impede me from finding a job that was more suitable for my office skills. Once I got familiar with the bus lines, I started submitting my resume to any place that would look at it: craigslist, snagajob, cleveland.com, indeed.com, monster.com - EVERYWHERE.

I had a couple of close calls but nothing that would come of it. I was starting to become more and more disheartened.

But finally, I had my job. A small office was looking for part-time work as an office assistant. Must know how to file, use phones, computers, office material, and Microsoft Office products. Perfect. I went in to interview which ended up being quite short. At that point, I just had a "meh" attitude about all these interviews. But I did my interview, and just acted as if I already had the job.

An hour and a half after I got home, I got a call from the same company asking for a 2nd interview. After that call, I knew I had the job. It was just a gut feeling. I set up a 2nd interview with the president of the company.

I felt a lot more laid back at my 2nd interview because we had it at a Caribou Coffee instead of an intimidating office setting. He wanted to know about me, so I told him about my living in Columbus and the events that led me to move back to Cleveland. He asked about my office work, which I told him about. I was cool, calm, relaxed, and asked questions of my own after the interview.

About an hour or two after we parted ways, I got the call from the president saying I was hired and I'd start on Monday. I was flabbergasted but so goddamn happy.

It's still kind of surreal that 2 months ago I was working a job that I despised. I felt like I didn't get any respect from my higher ups, and nobody was listening to my suggestions (which REALLY pissed me off, and honestly would have made nights working there twice as easy) A month after training, the office manager left me in charge. I went from standing out in the cold waiting for the Target doors to unlock, to having my own key to a building and handling stuff on my own. After working there for a MONTH.

I don't know if this job will last forever. But having a job like this will DEFINITELY put my foot in the door. Things can change for the better for me. I just had to try really hard.

Compassion

A few days ago, I was at the doctor's office with Dan. It was 8:30 in the morning and I was half asleep. We were stuck in the waiting room for about half an hour before he got called in. I grabbed a magazine and buried my face behind it to both stifle my yawns and ease my boredom without wasting precious battery life on my phone (seriously, the battery life on my phone sucks).

Shortly after we sat down in the waiting room, an older couple came in. They signed in and also took a seat. A couple minutes later, a nurse came out to talk to them. The older couple hugged and kissed her, so I wondered if this was a family friend or if they have a very close relationship with the nurse. The nurse talked to the gentleman about what they were going to do today. I don't know much about doctors offices but from the way she was talking, it sounded like some major surgery was about to be had.

Then they started talking about Obamacare. The nurse was 100% vehemently against it. She said that this building WILL (she stressed that word) go out of business, which kind of striked me as odd because it is a University Hospital branch. But I digress.

She said that she thinks it's great that Obama is trying to reach out to the younger generation, but that she didn't want to pay tax money for all the lazy slobs out there who won't get jobs.

I hear this argument all the time and it pisses me off, but I will get to that later.

The older lady went to open her mouth. The nurse said,

"No, I don't want to get into a political debate with you. I'm just saying what I feel and I'm done with it. Time to move on now."

First of all, if someone started talking to me like that I would pop them in the mouth. Seriously? I think it's totally fine to give your opinion, but be prepared for feedback. Your ignorance is showing if you don't want to listen to someone else's opinion. Now, by posting this I am opening myself up for political debate. I am going to be completely honest - I don't know a lot about politics. At all. And a lot of people are against Obama because "he isn't getting a lot done." I disagree with people that say this. But again, this is beside the point so I'm not going to expand on this further.

Now to touch base on the "Spending tax money" bullshit.

I can't even begin to stress how selfish people sound when they say this. It's like people assume that when someone is unemployed they're lazy drug addicts that want to do nothing but sit on their ass all day. Are there people like this? Well, yeah. But is this always the case? No.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a full-time job? I'm sure most of you reading this either have one or need one. In either case, they're incredibly difficult to get. When I got into my bicycle accident, I vowed to get a full-time job. I was under the impression that I was not under my mom's insurance since you had to be a full-time student. At night, I would often stay up late having anxiety attacks and crying myself to sleep because I didn't know how I was going to pay for all of this.

Once I was able to get around a lot more, I started searching for full-time jobs. I'd get interviews, but I wouldn't get hired. Offices nowadays look for a few things: experience, college degrees, and sadly physical attributes: they want people that are young and pretty. Now, of course, it's possible I fit into that last category. I'm certainly young enough. But I've only had temp positions in terms of experience and I didn't graduate from Kent State. I got overlooked a lot. But that's not to say that I wasn't trying. Once I was able, I'd bust my ass looking for jobs. I would send my resume to 10 places PER DAY. I tried. And I know other people are trying too.

I ended up swallowing my pride and going back to retail. I started working for Target again in the beginning of December. They offer health care for part-time workers, but they don't get you full coverage. You have to pay for that as well and at only 27 hours a week making minimum wage, it's not affordable in the slightest.

When my mom got laid off from her job six or seven years ago, she tried too. And once SHE was laid off, we were all fucked for insurance since she was the subscriber. But she kept looking for six months until she landed at the job where she is currently at now.

There are people out there who are either physically, mentally, or both unable to hold a job. And yes, they may have Medicaid  but who knows? Maybe there are some people that aren't.

What happened to us? Where are peoples' compassion for others and willingness to help others? When did we become a society based on greed? It disgusts me. Republicans whine about free healthcare being "socialist". U mad bro? My best friend lives in Canada and right now she's got to have a shitton of tests to do. Tests, that down here, would cost hundreds, maybe even thousands of dollars. But it's free up there. If we had free health care, it wouldn't make us "socialist". If John McCain had won the Presidential race and believed in free healthcare he'd be a goddamned hero to both Republicans AND Democrats. How DARE President Obama care about this country and the people's well-being! My dad was diagnosed with cancer last year. He is fine now because they caught it incredibly early. But either way with the treatment he chose, he is still (maybe, I'm not sure) paying off the medical bills. It shouldn't cost a fortune and then some TO FUCKING STAY ALIVE.

People disgust me. Nobody wants to help anymore. It shouldn't be this way. Obviously there are people out there that smoke drugs and don't give a shit, but that isn't everyone. People try. But nobody cares anymore. Get over yourselves, please.

I hope that one day if a girl falls off her bicycle and has the top of her knee pop off like a Tupperware lid, she won't have to panic, stress, and cry herself to sleep every night for the next 2 months because she can't pay her medical bills. I hope that one day she can get into an ambulance, get CT scans and X-rays done on her and go to sleep easy at night knowing that it's all (or mostly) paid for. One can only dream.

"And I promise you, kid, I give so much more than I get, I just haven't met you yet."

I'm writing this entry because I have had a couple conversations with a friend of mine who is going through a tough time in terms of dating.

When I was younger, like any girl would, I would dream about my wedding. I used to go on David's Bridal to look at wedding dresses, I used to look at engagement rings, and I'm pretty sure at one point I actually had a list of songs I wanted to play at my wedding reception.

One of the reasons I always took break-ups so horribly was my fear of being alone and not getting married.

Then, once I grew up, I told myself to chill out.

Marriage and love used to be things that would take a long time. Well, in some cases. My grandpa only went on 3 dates with my grandma and he married her (he was also in World War II so I've always felt like army/Marine cases are different). Saying "I love you" to someone used to be a big deal. Me saying "I love you" is a HUGE deal for me. I was a nervous wreck when I told Dan I loved him. To me, when you tell someone you love them, you are offering someone your heart on a silver platter. You are showing your trust and your vulnerability, and to me that is petrifying.  But all went well and it didn't scare him off.

Nowadays saying "I love you" isn't that big of a deal anymore. Teenagers are saying it after 2 days of dating someone, IF THAT. Love is a feeling that takes a lot of time. It's not something that can just...happen instantly. Obviously, I'm not a believer in love at first sight. To really love someone, you need to know them. You need to know their quirks. You need to really get to know them inside and out. You need to see if you're compatible with them. You can't know that after just a couple of hours.

Then there's this whole marriage shit. People are getting engaged in high school. People are getting married right OUT of high school. WHY? What is the RUSH? You are still a kid in high school. You haven't even gone to college or gotten a real job yet. You haven't discovered yourself outside this little bubble town you've grown up in. If you want to stay with your high school sweetheart, that is one thing but throwing your life away because you want to rush into adulthood is another.

And then suddenly I realize why a lot of people feel lonely in this world. It's because people are in a rush to be an adult. And high schoolers, teenagers, let me tell you: being an adult is not fun at all. Maturity is one thing, but to actually own up to being an adult...it's scary. Cling to your youth. Be young, have fun. I love the guy I am dating very much. I am in the happiest, most stable relationship thingy I've ever been in. I'm petrified that one day I may lose him. But if that ever does happen...all I need to do is remember that I'm only 24. I've got so much time left (hopefully, as long as the world doesn't end in 8 months). If your relationship ends up not working out, don't fret my loves. You'll find him/her. You just gotta take it one step at a time.

With love,
Liv

Song in title: "Haven't Met You Yet" by Michael Buble.