Friday, October 14, 2011

"I am beautiful, in every single way. Yes, words can't bring me down. So don't you bring me down today."

Self-confidence


It took me a VERY long time to get where I am, confidence wise. As most of my readers know, I wrote about being bullied most of my life. My parents would tell me every day that I was beautiful. As a child, you live day-to-day hearing those words from your parents. But once you get older, it's like you write that information off.

"They're my parents. They'd be shit parents if they called their child ugly."

I knew my parents and my other family members told me I was beautiful. When I struggled with my self-esteem my mom constantly had to remind me that I was called the Queen of the Nursery.

But I didn't want to hear those words from my parents anymore. Of course my parents thought I was beautiful. I didn't want to hear it from them anymore. I wanted to hear it from my peers. I wanted to just go to school once and receive a rose on Valentine's Day without it being a sick prank. I wanted guys to be fighting tooth and claw to ask me to a dance or to couple skate. I wanted to be invited to a party and once I enter the room, have all eyes be on me.

Things never worked out like that. I was just this awkward, skinny girl with a scar on her face.

I grew up hating myself. I hated looking at myself in the mirror. I didn't see beauty. I saw ugliness. Always. I stopped listening to my parents telling me I was beautiful. I listened to my peers. It was an entire class out of my family. Sometimes, I had my pretty days but they were very few and far between. And by pretty days, I mean that I'd feel pretty (oh so pretty) when I'd put a little bit of extra effort into my appearance. But even then, I wasn't to everyone else.

I graduated high school, went off to college, and felt even uglier when I was with Edik. Especially because I was getting treated horribly by a guy who claimed to love me.

After I moved back home from college, I spent most of my days cooped inside. My parents threatened to take me to a rehab facility for Internet addiction. They were worried about me. It's not that I didn't want to go out (well, yes, it was a bit of that but not entirely) it's just that  opportunities never came up. And I just didn't trust people anymore. I was scared to meet new people. I also didn't trust myself. My self-esteem was so shot. I had grown up being rejected in so many different ways that I just figured I wasn't worth anyone's time. That if I started a conversation with a stranger, I'd be considered a freak.

One night, I decided to take a step out of the norm. My friend wanted to know if I'd like to go out with her to this coffee bar that's open 24 hours a day. I decided I would. So I decided to dress up. This coffee place is by no means a classy joint. But I wanted to look good. I put on my slinkiest dress, a grey dress that reached above my knees and showed off my every curve. I put on my silver heels and ruby red lipstick. I looked at myself in the mirror, and really looked at myself. It was at that point where I realized "I am NOT ugly. What are these people ON about?!"

I went out. I ended up getting a boy's number and dated him for about a week and a half. He ended it unexpectedly. I was crushed. But I realize now that this was my turning point. I had a solid  group of friends after that, and I truly began realizing what kind of a person I was. I was finally accepted. That feeling of acceptance I had waited 15 years for finally arrived.

After that, I started dating fullswing. I no longer engaged myself in long distance Internet relationships. I was FINALLY getting noticed. Each experience didn't end up the best way. After I picked myself up and dusted my knees off, I learned from that experience. Those experiences alone built my confidence.

The last guy I dated before I met my roommate really helped me. I was so clingy way back when. While I was gaining confidence I was still petrified of losing the person I was dating at the time. Of course that turned them off. But I royally ruined things with this one guy. I had wanted to be with him so bad. I scared him off. And that was when I realized, "OH. OH SHIT. WHAT HAVE I DONE?" And began changing myself completely for the better.

Then I moved. It was probably the best decision I ever made in my entire life. While I was still in Ohio, I was in a new location completely. Some old faces, but mostly new. I learned so much about myself after moving down there, especially after what happened between my roommate and I.

Eventually, I started dating in Columbus as well. But it wasn't just those minor dating experiences. What really shaped me was my job. It took me a couple months, but I finally managed to gain a group of friends. Friends I could be myself around. Friends that would stick up for me, friends that were there for me.

I love my family, but Cleveland was never my home. Columbus was my home. I truly believe that I found myself down there. By the time all of my sadness went away, a new person had emerged. And I loved it.

LOOK at this picture. This picture was taken in January. I have overcome so much. Do I still have my bad days? Of course I do! I'm a woman. I will have days where I feel self-conscious about various things. Especially when I'm on my period. I feel bloated and gross and like a lazy slob. But I make sure that those days don't have regular occurrences.

People aren't just attracted to your beauty. What makes you beautiful is your confidence. It is not an easy task to achieve. It takes longer for some more than others, and that's okay. But when I say that you, reader, are beautiful inside and out, you are. You have people in your life that value who you are. Eventually you will start to dispel whatever anyone else may say. Someday you may just wake up, look at yourself, and go, "What are all of these idiots THINKING?" Or, something bad might have happened, but that experience will help you learn more about who you are. I promise it's worth it.

With love,
Liv

Song in title: "Beautiful" - Christina Aguilera

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