Most of the people reading this are aware of the hell on Earth that I had to endure when I was in my relationship in college. The man boy that I was seeing put me through 15 months of physical, emotional and verbal torture. It ended in November when he tried to kill me.
I apologize if anyone reading this did not know about me. It happened 5 years ago and for the most part I am over it. If anyone has any questions I am absolutely willing to answer any of them you may have. It took a long time for me to finally come to terms with everything. I never saw a therapist about it. I never really discussed it much with anyone. My parents never wanted me to tell any family members or friends. They felt it was none of their business and didn't want to cause any emotional stress.
I was having pizza at my grandmother's yesterday when I mentioned something about having nightmares. My mom rolled her eyes and said,
"Yeah, because of all the zombie shows you watch!"
I shook my head. I hadn't had a zombie nightmare in a long time. For the past 5 years I have had night terrors with my ex involved. I told her that's what it was. I could tell she wanted to talk more about it, but my grandmother was in the room and didn't want to upset her. Perfectly understood.
This morning, she talked to me about having PTSD, or at least a mild case of it. I definitely agree I do. So I guess the next step is finding a self-help book or doing something that will cause me to get over it. My mom also told me that she was worried that I felt like she and my dad didn't do enough to help me. Hearing her say this broke my heart, because I thought the exact opposite.
My family always had a notion that something was not right in our relationship. His teasing me was relentless. Now, I live with a family where we bust each others' balls (metaphorically, of course) all the time. I can take a couple hits (also metaphorical. -_-). But with him, it was different. He would keep going, to the point where it made my parents uncomfortable. They had every right to feel that way. It was MUCH worse when I was at Kent. Imagine being with a guy who followed you EVERYWHERE. I was a theatre major back then and he didn't take it seriously. He'd follow me to class. He'd try to "sit in" my classes to keep an eye out for me. He'd follow me to Women's Chorus. He'd go to work with me and spend my entire shift at the music library. He was in my dorm at all times. He was a controlling, manipulative bastard and he scared the crap out of me. But I was too afraid to admit it. I was too afraid to admit that I had put myself into this situation. I was ashamed of myself. I thought I was smarter than this. I thought I could have the power to walk away. And don't get me wrong, I tried. The amount of times I tried to break up with him are uncountable. But he'd always tell me it wasn't over until he said it was over. And I would feebly say "Okay".
Until I finally had enough. That rainy night in November will never leave my memories. It was frightening and empowering at the same time. This was when I knew that if I continued to stay with him, it would not be good.
After I broke up with him over the phone (it was the only way I could do it) he bitched my mom out over the phone, telling her this was all her fault, etc. It was awful. But I knew I did the right thing. Leaving Kent was hard, but I knew that was the right thing to do as well. I needed to be kept safe and Kent was no longer safe for me.
But now, I need the night terrors to stop. I'm dating someone so wonderful right now, who has stuck by me for over a year of this. It's not every night, but it happens a few times a month. But I'm tired of the nightmares. I'm tired of living in the fear that he may come back, or he'll try to contact me again over Facebook. I just can't deal with it anymore.
So now I start a new adventure. I am going off to find my peace. To put the night terrors to rest. To tell myself that this is over with and I can officially move on.
But I leave this blog with some advice:
If you are in a horrible relationship, please, speak up. I have been in your situation and I know it's hard to leave, but go to someone you trust. If you don't want to talk to a family member, then talk to a friend. Talk to SOMEBODY. One of the biggest things in life I regret is not admitting to myself that I was in an abusive relationship. I feel like if I was able to admit it to myself, I could have gotten out of it a hell of a lot sooner.
With Love,
Liv
Song in title: "Call Me When You're Sober" - Evanescence
